May 9th, 2022

I am enjoying the breeze of early summer before it ends.

I texted 4 Tinder guys last weekend, three of them don't text me back today. One of them I am too bored to text back.

One of them block me because I text back too late & he sees no chance of getting a shot with me. Little did he know I'm starting to open up, but I guess it's either I'm too slow or he's too impatient, or both.

Another one is starting to lose interest, too. I guess it's also because I'm not replying to him fast enough or he's not that interested in me. For boys, it's either enthralling enough for them to chase, or easy enough for them to get without any effort, I'm fucking scared of both.

I feel lucky that Melanie Martinez & Lorde exists. If not, who's going to understand what I feel today.

I was wondering how Dom can put up with this silent workplace for more than 5 years and still feel OK with this. He is either very good at being alone, or it is killing him inside. But then, it's good to always remind yourself that not everybody is like you. He may have a good social life, not like me.

But let me have my own judgment, then I can gradually find out if it's right or wrong. I think he's lonely inside. But for someone who has a fixed idea of what should be & what should not be for him, it's hard for him to open up to other people who has little in common. Not to mention that he's an introvert, so it's even harder.

Unlike him, Dom is very mentally stable and has little (or at least less) doubts about himself. He does not feel the need to please people in order to be liked, or he does not need to be more talkative if it's not his nature.

I bet Dom is a very good friend to people he cares about. He's got a list of inner-circle. I was wondering if the inner circle gets thinner once he's grown up.

I am getting obsessed with Dom, it's my natural mechanism to distract me from whatever grief, sadness, or emptiness I'm feeling. I imagine if Dom heard this, he would turn speechless or expressed a slight disliking mood. He must have never experienced something like this.

Also, much as I obsessed with Dom, today, i have a genuien belief that we won't not work out.

I start to feel that loneliness at 25 is having no money, not having no friends.