Mar 20: The things that keep me in bed

I woke up this morning, lingering in bed. I’ve been losing motivation to work—or to do anything—for the past few days. It seems normal; everyone feels that way sometimes. However, this feels strange to me because I never lost that drive during the first three years of my career.

Maybe I’ve moved past the "young and enthusiastic" phase and into the mid-career stage—where you’re more experienced, earn a bit more, but start to lose that initial excitement.

Maybe I feel stuck in my job. I’ve been assigned an enormous KPI, one that feels almost impossible to achieve. Even if I try my best, I may not be able to reach it. Worse, my success depends heavily on my boss. If he doesn’t provide the support I need, I might not accomplish it—no matter how hard I work. A smarter approach would be to break down the KPI and negotiate salary increases based on reaching milestones. But even that’s difficult. I believe in working hard to refine myself and ultimately earning a salary that reflects my efforts. But the bar is set too high for me to achieve, making it difficult to earn a better salary based on that metric. On top of that, my progress is hindered by the lack of support from the very people who assigned me this goal.

Maybe I feel demotivated because my boss has been absent for the past few days. Meanwhile, I’m pushing myself to the limit to achieve this unrealistic goal he set for me and the team. If this number is so important to him, why am I given such low priority? If he doesn’t believe I can reach it, why make me try? Why isn’t he helping? He’s supported me in the past, but not now. Something must have changed. Maybe he’s really just on holiday, finally allowing himself to relax after a stressful period. Maybe he’s focused on something else.

Maybe I feel confused. My values are built on kindness, supporting others, working hard and smart, and maintaining integrity and fairness. And yet, I’ve seen how the system is corrupt. I used to naively believe that colleagues were like family—only to realize that some people can’t be trusted when things get tough. I’ve learned that being nice often means giving people the opportunity to exploit you. No matter how much you care for and support someone, they may turn their back on you when a conflict of interest arises—when you can no longer give them what they need. Some people, frustrated with the system, lash out at you simply because you’re the easiest target—because you’re soft and kind. And when they yell at you until you break down in tears, you wonder if they feel victorious. I’ve learned that some people work relentlessly yet earn less than others who waste time playing video games in the office. The hardworking ones should probably negotiate better salaries, and the slackers should recognize their luck and take more responsibility. But in the end, it’s not really their fault—it’s the system. The bureaucracy exploits people’s kindness and naivety while ignoring its own mistakes, allowing unworthy people to be rewarded with money.

So what do I do when my values are exploited by the system, and I feel so trapped?

The simplest answer is to stop letting it exploit me and start playing the game instead. Maybe I just need to ask for a salary raise—not because my performance justifies it, but because management can’t afford to lose another dedicated worker. An extra 2–3 million per month doesn’t cost them much, but losing me means risking the time and effort it would take to find a replacement and further weakening their already fragile structure.

Maybe I just need to go to a few interviews—to see where I currently stand—before asking for a raise.

Maybe I should put myself out there and apply for the job I truly want—see where it takes me. Maybe it’s time to stop letting this false sense of comfort wear me down.